They Call Him Splat
by Isithrarith
Summary: When disaster strikes, Legolas and some random Elves, along with an unlikely hero, set out to save Arod and all the duct tape on this side of the Bruinen. "May the Grace of the Valar procect you." -Arwen. First fic!
1. Default Chapter

_**They Call Him Splat**_ **Chappie 1** The Big Fiasco

Long before Saruman sent out the Uruk legion to find the Ring and kill the Fellowship; before Lurtz tried to take Aragorn's head off; Lurtz had a son. Now don't ask me how this happened, I'm not really in on the whole orcs-being-stirred-out-of-the-mud thing…don't ask me no questions, and I won't tell you no lies. Anyway, the son of Lurtz was named Splat, and he disowned his father after Aragorn had so deftly and efficiently hacked off his head. So Splat was like a bad Uruk-Hai gone good. And our quirky but kind friend had a soft spot for small animals and cats. Just keep that in mind.

One fine, misty morning in Mirkwood, Legolas's friend/possible girlfriend/sister-type figure, Lombadia, came to the Northern Realm palace in search of her friend/possible boyfriend/brother-type figure. She knocked on the door of the secret passageway to Legolas's room.

"KISS THE VALAR!" cried Legolas and shot up in bed.

"Legolas, lemme in!"

"LOMBADIA?"

"OPEN the DOOR. Have you and Calenia been in to the miruvor again?"

Legolas let Lombadia in with a guilty, "Noooo…"

"Did you let Arod take you home?"

" Heavy sigh Yeah."

"Good. Well, anyway, listen to this." Concern overtook Lombadia's expression. "Arod has gone missing. And so has all the duct tape on this side of the Bruinen."

"How could Arod be missing? I-"

"Someone stole him."

"Okaaay…how do you know? I just told you, I rode him home last night. How in Mandos does anyone even know he's gone? He shouldn't even be awake yet! How do you know of this?"

"Duct tape has been mysteriously disappearing for days, Legolas. Calenia came to me the fourth hour this morning…she said that she thought she forgot her leftover miruvor in Arod's stable when you both rode him home…and when she came back to get it at the third hour, Arod was gone. And it's not like he would run away."

"Where is Calenia now?"

"Seere-Bar. She said she wasn't sure she could face the dawn without duct tape…and you see…her duct tape wallet, the one Glebriwyn gave her…it also is missing."

"Bummer. She's been in love with him for the longest time…she was so psyched when he gave her that duct tape wallet."

"I know, and I'm pretty sure he likes her too but he just doesn't have the guts to tell her, which I think makes him pretty undeserving."

There was this horrible awkward silence of the worst kind and Lombadia kept boring her eyes into Legolas's and Legolas kept looking really guilty. Legolas said something like, "Upon my word, it's as though they are both in middle school or something," and one of those forced giggles. I mean, chuckles, Legolas doesn't giggle. Lombadia was not amused. Then Legolas got all serious and hot again. "I can't believe Arod's gone…and the duct tape…" Legolas burst into tears. Then Lombadia burst into tears. And then the door flew open, and in trotted Splat.

"Shroom anyone?" he cried jollily. With joll. He was jolly. "Hey Preciouses, what's eating us?" There's Splat for ya.

"Th-th-the DUCT TAPE IS GONE!" wailed Legolas.

"And someone st-stole Arod!" moaned Lombadia.

Just then Calenia, Legolas's other friend/possible girlfriend/sister-type figure came in. Behind her was Lucius the Manky Mortal, who really liked to wear a red cloak and had a thing for woodsy areas. Splat lost it.

"THE BAD COLOR!" he shrieked. "I AM ARMED WITH SHROOM," and he held up a yellow packet, "AND THE MAGIC ROCKS! YOU CANNOT-"

Lombadia pushed Splat out the window. Legolas lived on the 43rd floor. Dig it. But don't worry, Splat won't die just yet…

"So anyway," said Lombadia. "Lucius…shouldn't you be wearing yellow or something? And not to pry but, why are you here?"

"Because," he replied solemnly, "I am the Manky Mortal."

"Good then," said Legolas. "Calenia, why is he here?"

"I don't know, he just wouldn't leave me alone," she replied. Suddenly, a gust of putrid wind swept the room, and an evil voice hissed, "I am bloated with venom…"

Lombadia rushed into Legolas's protecting arms. And Calenia did too, though she could not help wishing she were in someone else's embrace.

An ugly bluish wind swirled about them and they froze in fear. Lucius the Manky Mortal collapsed where he stood. The voice spat out, "I long to loose my poison on some empty soul! I am bloated with venom!" The gust encircled Calenia and two airy fangs emerged from the smoke. Just as Calenia was about to drift into darkness, she grasped for the chain about her neck. She lifted the vial above her eyes and breathed, "Elbereth." The next thing she knew was Aragorn and Arwen bursting into the room and Glebriwyn's face fading into shadows.


	2. Questions

**Disclaimer:** _OK since I didn't do this on my first chappie, here it is:_ I do not own Lord of the Rings or anything related. Or The Village. Or School House Rock. HA nobody knows what that is. Oh well, y'all missed out. OH except for Splat. He was TOTALLY my idea and I love him dearly so be nice to him. And I don't know where the "SHROOM" bit came from, but that's not mine either, so if it's yours I hope I can use it. Thanks love you MWAH!

Chappie 2: Questions 

Splat was holding a little brown-and-white-spotted bunny rabbit. That was the first thing Calenia saw when she awoke.

"Wuteryoodoinhere?" she mumbled. Calenia was not to keen on Splat in her own house unsupervised. Accident-prone, dear thing he was. She groaned, for she was weak and felt strangely empty. When she tried to climb out of bed, someone stopped her. After one look at Glebriwyn's care-ridden face, she remembered the terror in Legolas's room. She looked deep into Glebriwyn's kind brown eyes. "The voice…what happened? Are the others all right? Where are they?"

"You are in the house of Elrond. It is ten o'clock in the morning. On October the twenty-fourth, if you want to know."

"Splat, knock it off!" someone rebuked in the background. Everything was bluish-tinted and shaky to Calenia's tired eyes and mind.

Legolas's fatigued face appeared behind Glebriwyn. "We are all safe," he said. "Your Asto Valaina overtook whatever it was that was in the palace today."

"Isn't that the sparkly dust that the Lady of Light gave to Calenia and Lombadia?" inquired Splat in all innocence. "They each have a little bottle and they keep it on a chain?"

"Yes, Splat," said Glebriwyn. "Er…what's with the bunny?"

"His name's Rufus Xavier Sasparilla. I call him Him, because we really like pronouns. I mean, saying all those nouns over and over again can really wear you down. I found him outside after I got pushed out the window. He was lost, hanging out with some armadillo, and rhinoceros, and a kangaroo."

"Oh, good. Isn't that sweet. So about the missing duct tape…" said Lombadia.

"And don't forget Arod!" chimed in Legolas.

"Wait," began Calenia, and she looked at Glebriwyn, "not to interrupt you," and she went on, "why was I the only one passed out from the-whatever it was?"

"Because," said Legolas solemnly (he had that look on his face in ROTK when he's explaining to the stupid dwarf and the happy-go-lucky mortal about the Dead Men of Dunharrow…you know the look). "It was your Eldarian power combined with that of the Asto Valaina that made the ghost retreat…but you alone were too weak and your body failed."

"Oh. Good to know. I guess we should try and find out about what attacked us…but what of the duct tape…and Arod?"

"Legolas said that is was the dark magic of Shelob's last daughter, Pugor. She was warning us to stay away and not seek what is gone. We think that if we find her, we find the duct tape and the horse, but we need a plan."

A knock on the door interrupted YET AGAIN any scheming regarding recovery of precious missing tape and steed.

"ARAGORN!" cried Splat with glee.

"Mae Govannen, Splat! Have you heard?" Aragorn asked the rest urgently. "Not only has Arod been kidnapped, but all the duct tape on this side of the Bruinen as well! Even Merry's duct tape raft, and Calenia's duct tape wallet, the one you made her, Glebriwyn."

Calenia's cheeks flushed hot.

"You mean the one I made for Elladan that Elrohir wanted one just like and that I ended up giving to Legolas?"

"Well he said he didn't have use for it," muttered a chagrined Calenia. Everyone knew that she was in love with Glebriwyn except, of course Glebriwyn.

"WE ARE GOING TO FIND THE DUCT TAPE," said Legolas decidedly. "We must go south…"

And so Legolas, Lombadia, Calenia, Glebriwyn, Splat, Aragorn, Merry, and Him set out. Of course, along with them was Bill the Pony, who carried what few supplies they took…and a lovely pack of Hot Tamales Chewy Cinnamon Flavored Candies.


End file.
